Confession: I was not mom-like when I had my son

I knew who this tiny creature was, but I didn’t actually know him. The feeling was bizarre.

Confession: I didn’t feel like a mom when my son was born and I told no one for fear of judgement and lack of support
Photo by rawpixel.com on Pexels.com. When I first encountered my son I didn’t feel an immediate connection and I told no one.

I had my son via an emergency Caesarean section. He never turned, so we were scheduled for a C-section.

A day prior to the op date I walked for an afternoon. Huge mistake, perhaps, as I became 5cm dilated from all that walking. When we were in bed that night ready to sleep I heard an inward “pop” followed by a gush of warm liquid down my thighs. I immediately knew what I was and told my husband to get my dad (we were staying with my parents at the time while waiting for our own place).

My dad did a great job safe speeding. Thank you dad and I’m sorry for all the mornings when you let me sleep till the very last minute then sped this very grumpy kid to school before the gates shut me out.

When we got to the op room, a trainee doctor readied herself to feel me up. I braced myself but her, “OH SHIT” surprised me. She quickly withdrew her hand and phoned the most senior doctor on duty to perform an emergency C-section. She’d felt my son’s foot! He had kicked through the dilation and broke my amniotic sac i.e. water. I don’t know how many of you had experienced a C-section with a general anesthesia. I didn’t see my son until more than 12 hours after the op. I was almost crying, upset that I wasn’t the first to see him and guilty that I had not seen him.

When I finally laid eyes on him, I honestly didn’t feel any connection.

Instead of feeling all motherly, I just knew that he was this tiny being who had come out of me. I really didn’t feel anything but maybe it was due to the effects of the anesthesia.

A couple of hours of skin-to-skin, nappy changes, swaddling, and holding, I got a bit more into the scheme of things. But I was only just going through the motions. It only struck me that I was a mom when I wondered what I was going to do the next day and I realized this little being is still going to be here! And, every day from then on?

“Holy crap” summed up my thoughts nicely.

Did you or do you know of anyone who had a similarly, didn’t feel connected with your baby from the get go? Let me know in a comment below!

A baby is born with a need to be loved and he never outgrows it – Frank A. Clark

 

5 Replies to “Confession: I was not mom-like when I had my son”

  1. I felt the same with both of my c-sections. It took me a while to bond with them and feel like their mum. I think it’s because they wasn’t birthed naturally and then had health issues, I missed out on a lot of bonding time. It was when I brought them home was when I felt that bond, knowing I had to care for them made me feel that motherly bond. You’re definitely not on your own with this one 😊

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    1. Hi Lyndsey, it is interesting that you felt similarly for your second child too. I would have thought we will only have this feeling with our first child because we’re crossing over to being a mom, but I guess I was wrong! Wow. I salute you for two C-sections. Recoveries are serious nightmares – each step, every wobble hurt! I couldn’t brisk walk for six months! It must have been especially tough recovering from a C-section when you’re having to be mom for a young child and a younger baby! I can only imagine…

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  2. I had an emergency C as well, and felt the same. It wasn’t until months after that I actual felt a connection. I was ashamed to tell anyone, but I think it’s more normal. I’ve talked to many korjers – especially those with a C – tend to not feel the connection. It may be the meds. It may be not being able to connect with the baby immediately. It may be the pain of surgery. I think not having any expectations is the best way to approach motherhood. Now my son is 3, and we’re expecting twin girls (in a short few weeks!). I’m going to take this one without any expectations and just go with it.

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    1. Yep i guess you’re right, it could be part of or all of the above. It’s fine. I’ve realised that doesn’t mean I’m a bad mother. Far from it!
      Oh my you’re having twins! Double congrats!! I think that means negative time for yourself from then on. Is the time-commitment relationship linear or exponential? Ha..! Useless motherhood mathematics!
      What I would give to have twins too! I wish you a smooth delivery…

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